This is one of those posts that are strictly for me to come back to reflect on later. So don’t be surprised if I don’t promote it. I just need to get my thoughts out and my blog is like my public journal.
I’m really a creative being. I find it crazy how my mind works sometimes and with the people that are around me I’m like a mirror, especially when it comes to things of a creative nature. If the people around me are enthused and upbeat about a project or idea then I am enthused about it as well. I have this tendency to expect people to match my drive when it comes to certain things like success and wanting to win. I want to “Make it” sooo bad that sometimes I feel like I’m losing my sanity. There are days when I just want to lock myself in a room and just scream because I feel trapped. Some days I criticize myself for having been able to do more than I have. People talk about loyalty and being on teams and I try not to let Flint shit bother me because it’s so minor when it comes to the bigger picture but I’m just looking for a team that matches my drive. I rarely get that. The worst feeling is feeling like you are the only person in the room that really wants to make it, and not on some pretend shit either, like really MAKE it. It’s borderline depressing at times the thought of being stuck in this city for the rest of my life. The thought of barely living, or not doing anything that really matters with my life.
I feel like there is no sense of urgency in some of the people I’m around but it’s 2013 and I’ll be 21 in July. I don’t wanna be 30+ and still trying to make it, although there is no doubt in my mind that when I am thirty I’ll still be directing, it’s the only thing I know….
I believe in the universe and the idea that you attract the things you want in life, so I meditate daily on becoming successful and I know that it is going to happen when it’s meant to happen. I just hope that it’s soon and that I am not the only one.