I never really know how to start these things, I think I spend the most of my time trying to figure that out. “What do I say to get people to read, then keep reading?”
it never comes to me.
As of lately I have been feeling the crazy ass numbing feeling. It’s been so much going on in my life I’m guessing that my spirit is reacting to it by choosing not to react to it. It’s a reaction I’ve never felt before. It’s kind of weird to be able to say that I have been through so much in the last three and a half years of my life that the emotion part of my brain has been shut down. Not to say that I don’t cry or anything, or that I don’t feel happy sometimes, or sad. It just that these moments happen less and less as time progresses, and this numb feeling occurs more and more. I think it’s called growing up.
If you keep up with my posts you will know that I love studying zodiacs and horoscopes etc. I’m a cancer. (My birthday is July 7th) Cancers are sometimes known as the crybabies of the zodiac and I wish I could say I was the exception to that rule but I’m not.. or at least I wasn’t. In 2009/2010 I think I cried more than I did anything else. lol. But I had to grow up. I had to teach myself that no one gives a f*ck about me sitting in a dark room and crying, just like no one would genuinely give a f*ck about me being successful.
Then I had a happy streak, life seemed to be moving in the right direction, the people around me were happy, everything seemed so promising.. so… good. But like all streaks… it came to an end. I could go on and on about all of the wack shit that has happened to me around me in the first five months of this year, but it would be a skewed viewpoint. A lot of good things have happened to me as well. Is it a balance? Who knows and who cares. I’ve said all of that to say this. I’ve constantly learned the hard way that life is too short to not be happy. To not do what you love, and to not be what ever your definition of successful is.
I’ve began meditating on this numbness to go away, although I’m pretty sure that I’m the one who meditated for it to come. But to be honest, I would rather be sad than to not feel anything at all. Not feeling anything at all is kind of scary, and it was the sadness, the feeling of darkness and depression that made me want to work harder. Made me want to never feel that way again.. Feeling nothing makes me want to do nothing..
Is this epiphany what they call growing up?
I think they call it growing up.