This is probably the realest I will ever be on my blog.
Lately I’ve been forcing myself to be honest with myself about certain aspects of my life, and trust me when I say that it’s been nothing short of depressing and hard. I know that I haven’t been blogging as much lately but it’s been a lot of nothing going on with me, so nothing = no posts lol.
Staying on topic though, one of the hardest things for me to admit, that I’ve recently admitted aloud is: I am a very jealous hearted person. lol. Yes I know being jealous hearted comes from being insecure and lately I really have been insecure with myself, and if you frequent my random thoughts posts (like this one) you may be able to tell where my insecurities are coming from.
Since I can remember, I’ve wanted to do something in the film industry, when I was really young I thought it would be screenwriting. I really loved/love writing and I would always tell people that I wanted to grow up and write movies. I fell in love with directing when I was in the fifth grade. My mom brought a video camera home and I just had to be the person holding the camera, by the second or third week, I had my nieces and nephews jumping off of the porch or play fighting each other just to get it on camera. Haha. I use to ride in the car and hold the camera out of the video. Just have fun with it.
Lately, I’ve been feeling my dreams slip away from me. I’m almost positive that this is just in my head and it’s probably just a phase I’m going through due to all of the personal life shit I’m going through right now. But the doubt still eats at me man. It’s wack, cause I always ask myself if I wasn’t a director what would I do, and I always draw a blank. I cannot see myself doing anything else, ANYTHING else, and I don’t wanna do anything else, but what if I’m not good enough to do this?
I see the look on certain friends’ faces when I talk about directing, and I can see the doubt. I can see that they don’t really think that I’m capable of it, and every time I’m overlooked for a project, or some project is just randomly axed it feeds into my insecurity. I know it shouldn’t but it does.
My deepest fear is that not being good enough will be the reason that I fail.