I never really know how to start off these types of posts.. But, here it goes. Lol.
for the past maybe, two or three years (Some may even argue since my mom passed.) I’ve struggled with anxiety. I don’t really like to talk about it but, I found an old journal entry that I wrote and I really wanted to share it here:
A random epiphany came to me just now that I had to write down so that I’d never forget it.
Imagine daydreaming for certain people and certain dreams then finally getting it. How would you treat it? Do you think about if that person you daydream about sleeps? How they eat? Where they live if they aren’t around you? What do your imaginary friends go and do? Do they cease to exist until you need them again?
The biggest cautionary tale is to remember that the things you attract into your life become real. They are no longer a figment of your imagination. Blood, water and oxygen now run through them. They have emotions now. They have dreams and ambitions now. They cry. They need subsistence They may allow you to treat them as your punching bag when you are upset. They may absorb all of the punches and smile and pretend to want more. But remember, they are still real people. They fear things. They worry too. Don’t take them for granted just because they were once just a figment of your imagination. Remember the nights that you cried because you wished your imaginary friends would one day be real friends? Well they are now and it’s up to you to treat them as such.
Now to myself as everything before was just a general consensus of feelings that have been building. Remember that you are a real person. Remember that you cry and that’s ok. That you’re sensitive, and that’s ok too. You’ve been silently building a shell around your heart and secretly hoping someone would notice. Anyone. Build the shell anyway. Normally I’d tell you not to shut yourself off from the outside world but my love, your future is at risk. We’ve allowed ourselves to become attached to people who don’t love you. Not to say that they don’t care but if the house was on fire, babe, you’d just be a casualty without the slightest blink of an eye. You love you enough. Do what you gotta do to get where we tryna go. The clock is ticking. Your mom is dead. Your dad is dead (allegedly). You’re twenty five years old. If shit doesn’t go according to the plan you could end up being thirty living in a shelter. [Two lines are removed cause I started naming names.] I wanna be like me. You are dope. You are smart. You are a hustler. You are beautiful and talented. Don’t let anybody, especially anyone that has not even known you half of your life tell you otherwise. You may be a figment of somebody else’s imagination, but girl, you are the heartbeat that pumps the blood, through the veins that lead to the part of your brain that forms the figments of your own imagination. You better not ever let anyone make you lose sight of that. You are a fighter cause you have to be. Be a lover when you decide to have kids. But don’t hinder yourself from making a difference in your own life let alone others. Don’t get discouraged again. Do work. You only have five years to make Forbes’ 30 under 30 (I’m super ambitious ain’t I?) The clock’s ticking. Or do you wanna keep crawling back to your sister’s couch with your head hung forever? I love you. Do work. It’s possible, just do work. I know it’s hard, just do work. I know it’s toxic people that drain your energy, Just keep working. We don’t have the luxury of getting discouraged my love. I’m sorry but we don’t. We don’t have a choice but to win. You’ll have an impact. You just have to be patient and trust the process. Hell, you even have a plan now. You’re crazy if you think this shit isn’t attainable. Don’t lose sight of who you are. You’re not a figment, you are a real person. Stay real.