When I was nineteen I was homeless. I couch surfed, slept in cars and there was even a week in which I lived with my pastor. Ultimately I ended up in a homeless shelter specifically designed for youth under the age of twenty that had rules more like a halfway house than anything else. Continue reading
This is probably the realest I will ever be on my blog.
Lately I’ve been forcing myself to be honest with myself about certain aspects of my life, and trust me when I say that it’s been nothing short of depressing and hard. I know that I haven’t been blogging as much lately but it’s been a lot of nothing going on with me, so nothing = no posts lol.
Staying on topic though, one of the hardest things for me to admit, that I’ve recently admitted aloud is: I am a very jealous hearted person. lol. Yes I know being jealous hearted comes from being insecure and lately I really have been insecure with myself, and if you frequent my random thoughts posts (like this one) you may be able to tell where my insecurities are coming from.
Since I can remember, I’ve wanted to do something in the film industry, when I was really young I thought it would be screenwriting. I really loved/love writing and I would always tell people that I wanted to grow up and write movies. I fell in love with directing when I was in the fifth grade. My mom brought a video camera home and I just had to be the person holding the camera, by the second or third week, I had my nieces and nephews jumping off of the porch or play fighting each other just to get it on camera. Haha. I use to ride in the car and hold the camera out of the video. Just have fun with it.
Lately, I’ve been feeling my dreams slip away from me. I’m almost positive that this is just in my head and it’s probably just a phase I’m going through due to all of the personal life shit I’m going through right now. But the doubt still eats at me man. It’s wack, cause I always ask myself if I wasn’t a director what would I do, and I always draw a blank. I cannot see myself doing anything else, ANYTHING else, and I don’t wanna do anything else, but what if I’m not good enough to do this?
I see the look on certain friends’ faces when I talk about directing, and I can see the doubt. I can see that they don’t really think that I’m capable of it, and every time I’m overlooked for a project, or some project is just randomly axed it feeds into my insecurity. I know it shouldn’t but it does.
My deepest fear is that not being good enough will be the reason that I fail.
“A dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.” – Mary Karr
This may be the only post in which I discuss my family, and I know that when or if they read it they’ll probably say something to the extent of “Bre on some emotional, weird shit again” or “What is this girl crying about now?” But I don’t really call this crying or whining, just a small observation, I still love you all I swear. lol. Oh, and let’s never discuss this after like a week or so.
In the last few years I’ve always felt closer to my friends than I have my family, and it was only because I felt like I could talk to them about things that my family would probably laugh at or joke about when I wanted to be serious. I’m an extremely emotional person and sometimes I joke about my family and say that us Johnsons, (yes my real last name is Johnson) only know two emotions, that’s happy and angry. If we’re sad we don’t talk about it and it’s sad to say that as of lately, I be sad a lot. Now, I love my family, we’re bound together by blood so we have to deal with each other even when we don’t want to. It’s just that sometime when I think about it I feel wack.
My sister that I live with is the only person that goes out of her way for me in any form or fashion. She houses me and feeds me when she really does not have to. We have our differences from time to time but she is my biological sister, we came from the same mother and I’ll love her forever.
I’m not saying anyone has to do anything for me either, I’m not saying that at all. I don’t really need anymore help thanks to select friends etc. Like I said, it’s just a small observation that I’ve made about family. Like, are we only family because we are bound by blood and nothing else? I really wanna know what defines FAMILY. Does it only mean that we’re obligated to show up at each other’s funerals? Come to an open house? A baby shower? lol.
“I don’t care about whose DNA has recombined with whose. When everything goes to hell, the people who stand by you without flinching–they are your family.” ― Jim Butcher
The second quote is for the people who have come into my life and have become like family. You all are soo much appreciated. Thanks for answering the phone for me at 4am when I’m crying about something, for believing in this crazy dream of mine, supporting me and becoming like brothers and sisters to me I love you all so much, so so so much. May we all learn something from the period that we are in each other’s lives.
“Families are messy. Immortal families are eternally messy. Sometimes the best we can do is to remind each other that we’re related for better or for worse…and try to keep the maiming and killing to a minimum.” ― Rick Riordan
And to my actual family is the quote above, it has a little humor in it which we all love. lol. I love yall, never forget, and if you get nothing else out of this post I hope you get that. We’re forever tied to each other.
“Sometimes we expect more from others, because we’d be willing to do much more for them; and as we grow older we don’t lose friends, we just learn who the real ones are. ” – Unknown
I always get speeches on never blurring the line between business and friendship, but I never really understood why. Is it possible to go into business with friends? What about going into business with someone and becoming friends later? And if the latter happens.. What happens when the business relationship ends? Does the friendship also end? YES. I keep learning the lessons the hard way and it sucks everytime, so therefore I have decided to only do freelance directing. ALONE. I don’t have time to keep letting my emotions get tied up into pretendships (pretend friendships) After all I am a girl, and as much I try to keep a tomboy demeanor I still have emotions and think like a girl. It’s really really saddening to me, because I never wanted to go on this journey alone, but I’m realizing that the only way I can make it with my sanity still intact is if I go at it alone.
People always look at artists in the industry like “oh, they came up with so and so, then got on and left them behind” or some similar story, but who knows the full story behind that? Maybe they never really liked that person from the beginning, for whatever reason and then decided enough was enough? I never want to get to that point with anyone that I have a business/friendship relationship with so I’ve decided to just take those steps back now. Just because you’re a good business associate does not mean that you’re a good friend. I get it now. I learned it through bitter experience, so now watch me as I detach myself from so many situations.
Not that I’m quitting or anything like that. I’ve come to grips with the fact that I will be a director for the rest of my life, no turning back, this is just me sacrificing friendship for the sake of my career, and in order to do that I have to detach myself emotionally, which may take a while so bare with me.
“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.” – Bob Marley