The Secret

Consider this post nine or ten days late.

Decided to post this to my blog just because we are less than ten days into the new year and figured that it might inspire someone randomly. Including myself. I swear I promise to blog more this year, I will make time for it I swear. Including another post tonight.

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Stressed. This is The Part They Should Tell You

The journey to success separates the people that really want it from the people that just do it.

This is the part they should tell you about when You’re chasing your dreams. How you’ll feel stagnant, out of place and occasionally feel like a failure when things aren’t moving the way that they could be. In all honesty, since the new year started I’ve been back and forth in my feelings. I’ve been trying to acquire patience, but sometimes it feels like it’s a voice in the back of my head asking me just what it is I think I’m waiting on.

I believe in speaking things into existence. I meditate when I feel like there is nothing else I can do. But MAN ish just be wack. At one point I could measure my progress every month and see how close I was getting to where I wanted to be, cause every month I was a tad bit closer even if it was by an inch. Every month I actually DID something towards my dream. But I have not done anything towards my dream in six months. Maybe more, and for a person that’s use to doing something towards it all of the time that is a long time. I’m so stressed. I haven’t left my house since January 1st.

Playing phone tag with people that “believe” or so they say. Those open ended “Yea, I’ma call you right back.” and the “I’ma see what I can do.” Oh, and the being broke part is the absolute worst.

I guess the outcome that you want never comes the way that you want it to, or with whom you want it to. I recently watched The Secret and one of the quotes that stuck with me was

Only focus on the what and not the how.

Meaning that by focusing on the outcome, the path will reveal itself.  Out of everything in that documentary, that sticks with me the most and I don’t know why. But I think the line is really powerful.

 

 

Random Thoughts: Love Yourself Girl or Nobody Will

Love yourself, girl, or nobody will. Oh, you a woman? I don’t know how you deal with all the pressure to look impressive and go out in heels I feel for you. Killing yourself to find a man that’ll kill for you – J. Cole

Ok.. First of all I don’t do “Inspirational” posts at all. I’ll leave that to all of the other blog sites. I just really wanted to post this as a reminder to myself and others.

I am not the ideal body type.

You’ll probably never see me walking down some runway, or in some high fashion magazine and believe me when I say I am more than ok with that. Lol. I was bullied in elementary and middle school for my size and the way I looked. I guess my hair wasn’t long enough, my stomach wasn’t flat enough or my smile wasn’t bright enough. I was also extremely awkward because I didn’t have enough self esteem to exude confidence, no matter how pretty my family told me that I was. I always felt like I needed an outsider’s validation. Why couldn’t a random person on the street come up to me and tell me how pretty I am? Why couldn’t I just feel happy with myself?

Safe to say I carried myself poorly up until my sophomore year of high school, where I made the best friends I have ever had in my life. I started hanging with people that looked like me and we would compliment and uplift each other and just have fun. For the first time in my life I could go to school and not have to worry about what someone would have to say about me. I can barely remember how I got there but I think REAL LIFE started happening. So much chaotic stuff was happening at home that what other people said about me just stopped mattering. I even started responding to comments such as “Fat ass” and “Man you just weird as fuck” with “I know.” it’s kind of funny how when you agree with something someone says the remark doesn’t sting as much.

Love yourself girl or nobody will

I’ve heard

“I only date athletic built women”

“Yea big girls need love too but they gon get that love from someone that’s not me.”

“Why don’t you just lose weight?”

“You’d be so pretty if you were skinnier”

“If you wore make up you’d be cute as hell”

“I actually have a big girl fetish”

Don’t get me started on how I feel about that last quote. lol. But I’ve said all that to say THIS:

In REAL LIFE all that matters is how you feel when you look in the mirror at yourself. Not what some random male or female thinks you look. Body image use to be such a big deal to me but I forced myself to grow up. In life period it’s gonna be some people that find you unattractive. It’s even people in the world that think Beyonce isn’t cute, it’s just that when you’re a little bit darker and a little bit bigger the amount of people that think that about you may be a tad bit bigger but FUCK THEM. (excuse my language) Love yourself first, that’s when people that truly love you are allowed to… LOVE you. Stop giving the wrong crowd your attention.

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Welcome (Back) to my work in progress

Oh how I missed my public diary.

I haven’t blogged in five months…. I don’t know why I thought it would be easy to just come in and pick right up where I left off, especially after reading all of my old posts. I’m in an entirely new space mentally. I went through this whole “I need to find myself, get back to the craft I love so much, which is directing” phase. Which eventually led me into my “I’m borderline depressed because I don’t really have the utensils to pursue directing in the way that I want to.” Phase. Then November came and the most recent phase that I am currently exiting out of is my “I’m stagnant and depressed because I feel no real progress, I miss my mom (She died November 3, 2009) I don’t wanna die only knowing my hometown, Fuck life.” Phase.

Three phases in five months. I don’t think people fully grasp how dark and depressing the fall really is for me. I’ve been super emo and antisocial lately and decided to just take the time to create the outline of the person that I would like to grow into being. So welcome back to the chaos known as Breonajai.com. There will still be music that I like. (Whether it’s indie, mainstream or local). There will still be random thoughts, there may still be a movie review every blue moon. I’m gonna be easing myself back into the concept of blogging so bare with me and thanks for tuning back in :).

Let’s see where this new chapter in life takes me.

Finding Yourself?