Random Journal Entries Pt 1

I never really know how to start off these types of posts.. But, here it goes. Lol.

for the past maybe, two or three years (Some may even argue since my mom passed.) I’ve struggled with anxiety. I don’t really like to talk about it but, I found an old journal entry that I wrote and I really wanted to share it here:

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TwentySomething: A Story of Jade

For the longest time I went back and forth about when I would allow myself to begin my film career. That I would do A,B, & C first, THEN I would come back to it. That I would allow myself to build a name doing something else and then turn back around to film and directing later. (Build a name doing what? I know. lol.) Over the past year a series of things began to happen to me which ultimately began to make me work on myself and the script on what I plan to be my first feature film. TwentySomething is a film loosely based on these experiences. Moving From Los Angeles to Houston, then Houston back home to Flint. Being depressed, trying to find a purpose, and not wanting to just… exist. I always wanted to feel as if I was chasing something bigger than myself and the idea of working just a regular nine to five then just dying horrified me.

TwentySomething is a story of a female named Jade, who returns home after going for broke in New York City. Her relationship with her family is now weird, her city is different than she remembered, and her grandmother has now passed away. Through out the movie (or script) you see her struggle with accepting the fact that she is back home, not wanting to be there but not knowing how it is that she will “Make it back out.” There are characters and perspectives that anybody from a small city can relate to, not just Flint, and yes the Water Crisis is mentioned. I gave it a background role to show how when the crisis started that people lives did not just stop, they had to continue living.

The script is now available on Amazon, Createspace, and Amazon Kindle. It’s four dollars. I hope that if you found the time to read this that it piques your interest enough to purchase the script and tell me what you think. Thank you.

 

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Just Another Suicidal Kid

Who’d a thought that my first blog post in months would be inspired by a random instagram pic? BkAAcQ-IUAAkVVS

I don’t know why but this picture makes me think about so much and I don’t even know where the quote originates from, but I guess that’s neither here nor there.. My interpretation: We all have guns to our heads trying to talk each other out of pulling the trigger. I think we lie to ourselves to try and convince us that life gets better, but I have yet to become fully convinced. We just learn to cope. We’re put in these situations and the only “Band aid” people can put on it is “It’ll make you a better person.” Or “To whom much is given much is required.” And then they’ll leave you to your tears in an empty bedroom, and maybe it’s not their fault, maybe they just can’t relate. They can’t relate. I think the hardest part of “Growing Up” is realizing that 80% of the time people won’t relate to your problems nor will they care to or want to and at the end of the day I am not entitled for them to. I’ve spent the last five years of my life trying to figure it out. I don’t think I’ve been successful at figuring 1/8th of it out. I don’t even know what it is.. if it’s a feeling, or if it’s a physical thing.. I just know that it’s something. I’ve been having this empty feeling lately, I zone out in conversations, find myself in deep thought while watching tv, and I haven’t really been trying to be around people. No offense to them, all offense to me. It’s just that I get tired of trying to explain myself. I don’t wanna explain myself. And because I have finally learned that there are two types of people in the world.. people that talk.. and people that are talked about. I have come to the conclusion that as much as I hate it.. I’d much rather be talked about then handing out infamy, and maybe that’s another reason why I don’t like being around people, I’m just becoming so untrusting, like a paranoia is being built up, “What does this person say about me when I’m not around?” Should I even be hanging with people if I have to think that way about them? I could do a whole ‘nother blog post about that. I have to end this on some type of high note… I’ll edit that in when I find it. Lol. Part two soon? (Just don’t wanna get too long winded.)

Random Thoughts – With Age Comes Wisdom…

Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday to meeee

They really should say “With pain comes wisdom.” But I guess the first quote is a little more appealing. Today I turn 22,  and the only thing I plan to get out of this day is this post in which I am currently creating. A time capsule for me to come back and read on every birthday from here on out or when I randomly feel like reminiscing.

Safe to say I have learned a lot, not nearly as much as I will have learned in three to five years from now, but a decent amount of information for someone my age, including but not limited to the following;

The Law of Attraction is real.

Speak into existence the life you want to live and beware of the power of the tongue. Always be happy and smile even when you don’t feel like smiling, (insert every other positive quote about being positive) yea, all that.. Go watch the youtube video lol.

 

Keep your enemies close, but your friends the closest.

Treat a snake like what it is, a snake. Never let them get too close to the point where they can harm you. You may not be able to do away with them completely, but at least you do not have to be on edge around them.  Trust your instincts when it comes to the vibes of certain people, because despite what others may say there are some people that you just aren’t meant to mesh well with. I guess that’s life. Cherish your friends, acknowledge the snakes.

 

I don’t wanna end this abruptly, but I also don’t wanna get too long winded. I hate saying cliche ish like “Be happy with what you have” and “be thankful that you are seeing another birthday” but I will say one cliche. Smile and live. Hell, be angry with a smile at least it’ll throw the person you’re mad at off a little. Lol. Make sure that you are always happy with who you are as a person, cause at the end of the day, the person that has to sleep with you is YOU.

 

oh and also never feel bad for not liking someone, you instincts haven’t led you down the wrong path yet so just continue to trust them. 😉 Love.

 

 

Random Thoughts: I Am Going To Show the World

The only type of people that have successful directing careers are white males.

I honestly started to make that the title of this post but decided against it midway through. lol. Anyways…

 

Sometimes I forget how much of a headache this “dream” I signed up to pursue really is. Like this Bs is going to be an uphill battle all of the way and yea I knew that when I started but I guess I never really understood just how much of an uphill battle that it really WOULD be and how easy it is to end up right back at square one.

 

I am going to show the world.

I’m really at this point in my life where I honestly believe with all of my heart that no one except for myself has real faith in me, but luckily for me I was raised on two things; “Fuck The World” and “Success is the best revenge.” Now, I would be lying if I said that feeling alone sometime did not mess with me, cause it does. I can’t even describe just how wack I feel sometimes, it’s this empty feeling I get in the pit of my stomach and a migraine from overthinking things as much as I do on top of a bunch of other things.

But this is also why I applaud my arrogance.

I think I said something similar in an older post, something like “You get tore down so much that you realize if you don’t build yourself back up no one will.” If so, that just might’ve been the realest shit I ever wrote.

Thanks for not believing. That’ll be the reason I win.

I am going to show the world

I am going to show the world

I am going to show the world

I am going to show the world

OR DIE TRYING.