Random Journal Entries Pt 1

I never really know how to start off these types of posts.. But, here it goes. Lol.

for the past maybe, two or three years (Some may even argue since my mom passed.) I’ve struggled with anxiety. I don’t really like to talk about it but, I found an old journal entry that I wrote and I really wanted to share it here:

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Just Another Suicidal Kid

Who’d a thought that my first blog post in months would be inspired by a random instagram pic? BkAAcQ-IUAAkVVS

I don’t know why but this picture makes me think about so much and I don’t even know where the quote originates from, but I guess that’s neither here nor there.. My interpretation: We all have guns to our heads trying to talk each other out of pulling the trigger. I think we lie to ourselves to try and convince us that life gets better, but I have yet to become fully convinced. We just learn to cope. We’re put in these situations and the only “Band aid” people can put on it is “It’ll make you a better person.” Or “To whom much is given much is required.” And then they’ll leave you to your tears in an empty bedroom, and maybe it’s not their fault, maybe they just can’t relate. They can’t relate. I think the hardest part of “Growing Up” is realizing that 80% of the time people won’t relate to your problems nor will they care to or want to and at the end of the day I am not entitled for them to. I’ve spent the last five years of my life trying to figure it out. I don’t think I’ve been successful at figuring 1/8th of it out. I don’t even know what it is.. if it’s a feeling, or if it’s a physical thing.. I just know that it’s something. I’ve been having this empty feeling lately, I zone out in conversations, find myself in deep thought while watching tv, and I haven’t really been trying to be around people. No offense to them, all offense to me. It’s just that I get tired of trying to explain myself. I don’t wanna explain myself. And because I have finally learned that there are two types of people in the world.. people that talk.. and people that are talked about. I have come to the conclusion that as much as I hate it.. I’d much rather be talked about then handing out infamy, and maybe that’s another reason why I don’t like being around people, I’m just becoming so untrusting, like a paranoia is being built up, “What does this person say about me when I’m not around?” Should I even be hanging with people if I have to think that way about them? I could do a whole ‘nother blog post about that. I have to end this on some type of high note… I’ll edit that in when I find it. Lol. Part two soon? (Just don’t wanna get too long winded.)

Random Thoughts: I Am Going To Show the World

The only type of people that have successful directing careers are white males.

I honestly started to make that the title of this post but decided against it midway through. lol. Anyways…

 

Sometimes I forget how much of a headache this “dream” I signed up to pursue really is. Like this Bs is going to be an uphill battle all of the way and yea I knew that when I started but I guess I never really understood just how much of an uphill battle that it really WOULD be and how easy it is to end up right back at square one.

 

I am going to show the world.

I’m really at this point in my life where I honestly believe with all of my heart that no one except for myself has real faith in me, but luckily for me I was raised on two things; “Fuck The World” and “Success is the best revenge.” Now, I would be lying if I said that feeling alone sometime did not mess with me, cause it does. I can’t even describe just how wack I feel sometimes, it’s this empty feeling I get in the pit of my stomach and a migraine from overthinking things as much as I do on top of a bunch of other things.

But this is also why I applaud my arrogance.

I think I said something similar in an older post, something like “You get tore down so much that you realize if you don’t build yourself back up no one will.” If so, that just might’ve been the realest shit I ever wrote.

Thanks for not believing. That’ll be the reason I win.

I am going to show the world

I am going to show the world

I am going to show the world

I am going to show the world

OR DIE TRYING.

 

 

 

Random Thoughts: Love Yourself Girl or Nobody Will

Love yourself, girl, or nobody will. Oh, you a woman? I don’t know how you deal with all the pressure to look impressive and go out in heels I feel for you. Killing yourself to find a man that’ll kill for you – J. Cole

Ok.. First of all I don’t do “Inspirational” posts at all. I’ll leave that to all of the other blog sites. I just really wanted to post this as a reminder to myself and others.

I am not the ideal body type.

You’ll probably never see me walking down some runway, or in some high fashion magazine and believe me when I say I am more than ok with that. Lol. I was bullied in elementary and middle school for my size and the way I looked. I guess my hair wasn’t long enough, my stomach wasn’t flat enough or my smile wasn’t bright enough. I was also extremely awkward because I didn’t have enough self esteem to exude confidence, no matter how pretty my family told me that I was. I always felt like I needed an outsider’s validation. Why couldn’t a random person on the street come up to me and tell me how pretty I am? Why couldn’t I just feel happy with myself?

Safe to say I carried myself poorly up until my sophomore year of high school, where I made the best friends I have ever had in my life. I started hanging with people that looked like me and we would compliment and uplift each other and just have fun. For the first time in my life I could go to school and not have to worry about what someone would have to say about me. I can barely remember how I got there but I think REAL LIFE started happening. So much chaotic stuff was happening at home that what other people said about me just stopped mattering. I even started responding to comments such as “Fat ass” and “Man you just weird as fuck” with “I know.” it’s kind of funny how when you agree with something someone says the remark doesn’t sting as much.

Love yourself girl or nobody will

I’ve heard

“I only date athletic built women”

“Yea big girls need love too but they gon get that love from someone that’s not me.”

“Why don’t you just lose weight?”

“You’d be so pretty if you were skinnier”

“If you wore make up you’d be cute as hell”

“I actually have a big girl fetish”

Don’t get me started on how I feel about that last quote. lol. But I’ve said all that to say THIS:

In REAL LIFE all that matters is how you feel when you look in the mirror at yourself. Not what some random male or female thinks you look. Body image use to be such a big deal to me but I forced myself to grow up. In life period it’s gonna be some people that find you unattractive. It’s even people in the world that think Beyonce isn’t cute, it’s just that when you’re a little bit darker and a little bit bigger the amount of people that think that about you may be a tad bit bigger but FUCK THEM. (excuse my language) Love yourself first, that’s when people that truly love you are allowed to… LOVE you. Stop giving the wrong crowd your attention.

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Welcome (Back) to my work in progress

Oh how I missed my public diary.

I haven’t blogged in five months…. I don’t know why I thought it would be easy to just come in and pick right up where I left off, especially after reading all of my old posts. I’m in an entirely new space mentally. I went through this whole “I need to find myself, get back to the craft I love so much, which is directing” phase. Which eventually led me into my “I’m borderline depressed because I don’t really have the utensils to pursue directing in the way that I want to.” Phase. Then November came and the most recent phase that I am currently exiting out of is my “I’m stagnant and depressed because I feel no real progress, I miss my mom (She died November 3, 2009) I don’t wanna die only knowing my hometown, Fuck life.” Phase.

Three phases in five months. I don’t think people fully grasp how dark and depressing the fall really is for me. I’ve been super emo and antisocial lately and decided to just take the time to create the outline of the person that I would like to grow into being. So welcome back to the chaos known as Breonajai.com. There will still be music that I like. (Whether it’s indie, mainstream or local). There will still be random thoughts, there may still be a movie review every blue moon. I’m gonna be easing myself back into the concept of blogging so bare with me and thanks for tuning back in :).

Let’s see where this new chapter in life takes me.

Finding Yourself?